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When Life Hands You Lemons…

…make mini lemon meringue tarts with vanilla-scented creme fraiche mousse. That’s what Lil’ Kim did before her unfortunate incarceration. Now I hate Lil’ kim. Wait, let me restate. I don’t hate her as I never met her. Saying you hate a person you’ve only seen on TV makes you seem crazy. I’m sure she has her good points. I’m sure her friends and family love her. And since she is in jail for holding it down and not sellin’ out her crew to the Man, I gotta show her some love. Now if she would just stop out-lining her lips in black pencil and stop wearing MAC “Myth” and put on some damn clothes, I’d be happy. Maybe prison will show her some restraint. I have no doubt my fave new show will be this:

Yes, Lil’ Kim, La Bella Mafia, has her own reality show. Shot in the weeks leading up to her forced vacation @ the worst spa in New York State. Let’s hope there’s no spitting ala “Pumkin” and “New York” on Flava Of Love. Certain things set my race back. Flavor Flav is and always has been one of those things. There are positive images of African American’s and then there’s Flava Of Love. By putting that show, with that man on TV, vh1 has set the image of my people back 250 years. We’re now coming over on the middle passage. Thanks Flav! Can you tell I don’t find Black folks clowning for the public’s amusement funny? But I can’t begrudge that man a gig. So… Back to reality…

1st let’s just say that Project Runway is the best reality show on TV. To me it is the gold standard. I wish I’d known Debra was doing it because I would have begged her to go with. I just missed my opportunity to meet Michael Kors after being introduced by Debra Messing. Damn. Daniel Vosovic is my boyfriend. I love him. The world is a better place because he exists. He makes me happy.

I hated his hair cut last night. I loved his collection. And Debra was right, the 13th look was amazing. That camel shift was to die for. But only a woman 5’9″ or above, size 2/4 could wear it. I loved the floral print he picked. I also loved that white military-inspired coat. But Michael and Nina Garcia were right.There was no Asian influence in that collection. He must have been thinking about Chloe or she was standing next to him on the runway ’cause that’s the closest thing to Asian we saw last night. And that big epaulet he stuck right in the middle of that beautiful dress was like a target. And then the model trips!? Any model worth her rate knows you hike the dress up a bit as you walk. Ugh!

Santino’s mom is the shit. Or so he says. I love a guy who loves his mom. Santino’s last dress was a thing of beauty. I loved that ombre print and the pleating. Just watching his show on the runway I thought, “Oh my God Santino won!” I loved his collection. It wasn’t until the playback that I saw yes, that (sh)it didn’t fit. And if it doesn’t fit..You must acquit. Or @ least lose. I, unlike Michael and Nina, liked Santino showing restraint. Let’s not forget the man dressed the figure skater like a turkey.

Chloe. Chloe. Chloe. What can we say about the Asian Sensation? I loved her all season. She seems like the type of girl you’d be friends with. Cool but not too cool. Smart but not too smart. Smart about stupid stuff like how Chopin vodka differs from Kettle One. Or where to get the best mani/pedi in Manhattan fast and cheap. All season long I thought her collections were good but safe. A bit one note. Yes, she can sew. She’s a tailor. And so what she wasn’t running around living for fashion? And being all stupid and crying every 2 seconds? Save the passion for that fine ass boyfriend, who is the best cameo of the season! One word of caution to Chloe: Asian women are notoriously the last stop to “Moville” on the gay train. Ask any gay man about his last girlfriend. She was either Asian, docile and they never had sex or Black, over-assertive and they rarely had sex. If he dumps you Chloe, I’ll buy the 1st round of drinks as we commiserate how bad men suck! Her collection? I had to look @ it twice. On first sight I hated it. I hate that color pink and that color blue and that stiff fabric. And good God in heaven I hate a shrug! No more shrugs. Ever. But the tailoring was key. And she used color. And she was completely different from what she did all season long. Take away the shrugs and you’ve got gorgeous red carpet ready gowns. And I loved her 13th Look; the pleated baby doll dress with pockets. Sorry Daniel a poorly-placed epaulet cost you the game. Congrats Chloe. You are the winner of Project Runway. You and Daniel should go into business together.

In other news I saw Beyoncé on 3rd Street. And you know what? She is gorgeous. And that butt isn’t as big as you’d think. I hear she is losing weight for Dreamgirls. Which will only make Jennifer look bigger. Which is cool. I can’t wait!

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Well it finally happened, the unbelievable…I am fed up with the Hollywood star system. It reached fever pitch last week. I was chosen by E! to announce the official Academy Awards gift basket. Now E! is a client for whom I love working. How Do I Look is like my fave gig. But the Holy Grail for me, the end all be all, the creme de la creme, my almost dream gig is to be an on-air correspondent for E! Not Entertainment Tonight or Extra! I want E! And when I say it, I say it like Missy Elliott in Honey: “I said I wan E! dammit!” My agent must really be tired of hearing that. Well last week it was sorta delivered to me in the most minute way. I got 4 minutes, which was cut down to 1 minute, part of which was me saying “$100,000.00 4 times.” The general consensus was I looked very handsome. And I was cute and funny. I was over the moon. My enthusiasm knew no bounds. I hope it showed. My dream gig you ask? Replacing Bob Barker on The Price Is Right! I love that show. I want that enthusiasm. When people get called to “come on down” they lose their minds! It must be the most fun job ever. Nothing bad ever happens on TPIR. I mean sometimes everyone over bids but then they get a do-over! Who doesn’t want a do-over? I competed on a game show once and good God in heaven how I wish I could have a do-over!

The thing that made me crazy was Hollywood was in a donut swirl last week. Which culminated in a lukewarm minute orgasm: the Oscar ceremony. Did you know that the term donut is slang for male models? Apparently male models are so vacuous and self-involved they can suck themselves off, creating what looks like a donut. I don’t know who made that up but when I lived in Milan that’s what people called my friends and I. Last week was a donut swirl here in L.A. People sucking themselves off all over the place. From the actresses being feted by every major designer to get them to wear their gowns, to the gift suites set up everywhere, sponsored by everything from magazines to diamonds to (strangely) an X-rated vodka marketed to women. And yes, I hit a few of the suites though the real ones wouldn’t let a piece of ex-reality trash like me anywhere near them.


The Dread…

So as I sit here in my Sundari Rose and Lavender Hydrating Mask, reading the New York Post gossip section, I’m dreading the moment. The moment when I must take off my luxe, white bathrobe and get dressed. Normally I like getting dressed. There are basically 2 occasions when I leave my house; to have a laugh with friends or to make money. I’m always up for either but today I dread leaving. I must dress and go to the gym. Unless I’m being paid to do something, I’m the laziest fuck on the face of the Earth. Deep inside me there is a 400 lb., Howard Hughes with Kleenex boxes on his feet and Tivo, humming, bathing him in it’s warm, ever-inviting, glow. He’s surrounded by Krispy Kreme doughnuts, Famous Amos cookies and Papa John’s chicken alfredo pizza boxes. Maybe a few copies of Details, Italian Vogue and porn mags too…

I have to go to the gym. It’s pilot season. And I’ve been running all over the place working and auditioning. It never ends. I’m just another L.A. carpet-bagger, selling my wares. Plying my charms. I wonder if Ben Foster works out? Ben I love you. You make me happy. You make this world a better place just by being here. You are almost as cute as Wentworth Miller. Almost.

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Me On E! News!

I will be on E! News. It’s Tuesday, Feb. 28, at 7 pm PT! I’ll be revealing what’s in the Oscar goodie basket! Too bad Ryan doesn’t start until March!

I’m wearing a navy J. Lindeberg suit with a lavender shirt by Express Men.

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So this would be RANDOMNESS pt. 3…

I heard my roommate having sex. The guy was cute and I’m jealous. I’m not having sex. Until it means something. I’m no longer a human dildo. Maybe I’m re-virginizing… That will last a week.

Right now I’m listening to Fire and Rain, by James Taylor. No one crafts songs like this anymore. Now all you get is Don’t Cha and Laffy Taffy. Gross.

Read More »Musings…

Oh Hell To Tha No!!!!

In a post I like to call RANDOMNESS part 2 or more musings from me…

Who the hell watches the Olympics? That should be done in 2, maybe 3 days. Tops. I didn’t get to see Law and Order tonight. And I rushed home from shopping. Law and Order was preempted by snowboarding! Snowboarding? People only want to watch ice skating. And whatever sport Apollo Ohhellyeah is doing. I had to watch Grey’s Anatomy. I hate that show. The lead actress is too skinny. She needs a sandwich. And a chocolate shake to wash it down.

I finally saw the Emma and Alex fight episode of DeGrassi. Emma won but got quite the shiner. Sean is coming back and has long hair! He’s so cute! I LOVE ME SOME HIM! You can check him out on DeGrassi Minis at teennick. Ellie dump Jimmy and take Sean back! Don’t be stupid!

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Random musings from the mind of…Me:

Joia said something to me the other day that truly resonated. She said “God knows our hearts.” I’ve been praying a lot lately. For grace. For guidance. For others. For truth. Prayer works. I’ve been listening to Anthony Hamilton, Pass Me Over. This is the best song ever. It takes me back to being a little boy and going to church. And singing and clapping and testifying to my love of the Lord. The further it get from that child the more I wanna go back. You see I believe in Christ and the next life. I also believe my Lord wants me to be happy. And doesn’t care if it’s with a man. As long as I live a good life and try my best and love others, I’ll see my Savior. There I said it.

Mel (my straight wife, which makes me her gay husband) and I went to see Something New. Which wasn’t, for me. I’ve played this particular game a long time. I did really like the movie. But why didn’t the producers spend some money on wardrobe and a make-up artist? It’s 2006. It’s not hard to go to the MAC counter. It’s like they told those girls to just bring something from home to wear. And do their own make-up! Why after all this time is Blair Underwood’s skin still jacked? I go to the best dermatologist in Beverly Hills. Call me Blair, I’ll hook you up! I never heard the term “Black Tax” before. Now I get to front all the sisters who give me attitude lately by saying “Don’t be mad @ me coz you havin’ a Sumtin New moment”.
Meet the latest BOY I LIKE:
Simon Baker is fine as hell. Sanaa Lathan must have been like, “Damn!”

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Countdown to The Grammys… Enough Already, I’m Staying Home!

Last week/weekend was about work. And scamming my way into the upcoming Grammys. And the parties. And auditions. And a boy I’m crushing on. And shopping. And insomnia. And random crazy ass emails.

1st and foremost, I got an acting gig! I’ve had so many auditions lately. One almost everyday. I realize I’m lucky. Blessed even. But I was beginning to panic. I hadn’t booked anything. A few call backs but no actual gigs. Am I a hack? Can I not act? Was I only good @ being myself? Hm mm… Well anyway today I booked a gig for AMC. I went, auditioned and the director said, “Are you busy Tuesday?” To which I replied, “No.” To which he replied, “See you Tuesday then.” I love that! Yippee! Add that to my 2 red carpet hosting gigs for CBS and you have a very happy Marcellas. And several happy salespeople.

Read More »Countdown to The Grammys… Enough Already, I’m Staying Home!