So as I sit here in my Sundari Rose and Lavender Hydrating Mask, reading the New York Post gossip section, I’m dreading the moment. The moment when I must take off my luxe, white bathrobe and get dressed. Normally I like getting dressed. There are basically 2 occasions when I leave my house; to have a laugh with friends or to make money. I’m always up for either but today I dread leaving. I must dress and go to the gym. Unless I’m being paid to do something, I’m the laziest fuck on the face of the Earth. Deep inside me there is a 400 lb., Howard Hughes with Kleenex boxes on his feet and Tivo, humming, bathing him in it’s warm, ever-inviting, glow. He’s surrounded by Krispy Kreme doughnuts, Famous Amos cookies and Papa John’s chicken alfredo pizza boxes. Maybe a few copies of Details, Italian Vogue and porn mags too…
I have to go to the gym. It’s pilot season. And I’ve been running all over the place working and auditioning. It never ends. I’m just another L.A. carpet-bagger, selling my wares. Plying my charms. I wonder if Ben Foster works out? Ben I love you. You make me happy. You make this world a better place just by being here. You are almost as cute as Wentworth Miller. Almost.
As the mask dries, I see that Kate Moss is back. She never left. I mean every once in a while a little scandal is good. Note to self: Audition candidates for the 1st gay sex-tape scandal…Hm mm…Will from BB4…Chad Allen is lovely…Maybe one of those guys from QE4TSG? They could use a boost…No. Aim higher… Hm mm…Marc Cherry or Michael Kors…Will they be @ the Vanity Fair Oscar party? Should I wear a tux? Hm mm… Sorry I digress.
This week I got to work for E! News showing off the goodies in the Oscar Goodie Basket. And yeah I wrote basket, not bag. This thing is valued @ over $100,000! Why is it that the people who have everything get the most stuff free? I mean I get my share of swag but I’m no where near that neighborhood. Will Smith, Naomi Watts and (unbelievably) Jamie Foxx live over there. I mean, did Jamie think in a million years, when he was on In Living Color, he’d win an Oscar? That’s as improbable as, I don’t know, me winning an Emmy after doing Big Brother. I have my speech ready just in case. Even though Halle stole it a few years back! She even took the tears and remembered to keep the Oscar held high. Lest we forget she won!
|“…And I mustn’t forget the man who made it all happen… Boo! I love you, Boo!”||J-Love was quoted as saying: “Boo my baby daddy!”, right before she bestowed the strangest french kiss EVER upon Boo’s neck. Boo has not been spotted with J-Love recently. I wonder why…|
So I’m off to the gym. I’ll lift weights instead of a fork and a cocktail. Who knows it could be refreshing? Do you think Kate Moss works out? I mean does she don her Abercrombie shorts, which BTW she’s too old to wear and put on a sleeveless tee to go to a place that stinks, with bad lighting and horrid music? I told you I hate the gym. I wanna get rich so I can get fat and still get guys. Damn.
Do you think Lindsay works out? I’m obsessed with Lindsay Lohan. Like, whoa.
I actually got to see the Oscar Goodie Basket. Touch what made the cut. I was flush with desire. So close and yet there wasn’t a damn chance I was getting a finger on anything in it. The one thing I wanted more than the 4 night stay @ the Halekulani in Oahu, Hawaii, was the Frette Voyage throw. That damn thing is $1,495. I hate that price. Just make it 15 hundo and be done with it! Like that $5 makes a difference. Seriously, it’s Frette, it’s cashmere and leather, it’s amazing. It’s the perfect thing to have over your lap as you join the mile-high club on your private jet. I admit it was a little embarrassing when the producer of my E! segment made me give the throw back. But it was so cute…I wanted it. Soft.
Do you ever get pissed that there are rich people out there? I don’t begrudge anyone their success but Kate is getting a reported $2.6 million dollars to return as he face of Calvin Klein.
I just heard Vince Vaughn is about to join the $20,000,000 per movie club. Did you see him in The Wedding Crashers? He needs to hit the gym too… But I bet his gym has better lighting than mine. Life ain’t fair. I’m off to sweat in public. Which is gross no matter how you look @ it. Or how good you look doing it.
They are re-broadcasting my E! Oscar Goodie Basket moment on Friday and on E! News Weekend. Check it out if you get a chance.
3 thoughts on “The Dread…”
There’s a bunch of those under the Marchive in my links to the right. Too funny.
The “Boo awards” literally made me laugh out loud. Thanks!
Tonight’s (Thursday)E! News will feature me and the gift basket goodies. We’re on tonight at 7 and 730p et/pt and then tomorrow at 1130a et/pt.