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March 2006

Dangerous: Cell Phones and Spoiled Women


So anyone who reads this blog knows I worship at the throne known as Naomi Campbell. When my journey is complete and my days are done, I wanna come back as her. I don’t know why. Her hair is a weave (yes, a very good one. She has crappy taste in men: Mike Tyson, Robert DeNiro (not pre-The Godfather Rob but post-Awakenings Rob), Flavio Briatore (well he did give her a $10 million yatch and he is the father of Heidi Klum’s 1st child) and Usher (to name a few). She has anger management problems. (Who hasn’t taken a swing at the help? But I guess you’d have to have help 1st so… And had that widely publicized drug problem (but at least she sought help).

Now the positives: She’s the most recognized model in the World (so says her attorney), she’s rich as all hell, earning a reported $29 million a year (repeat after me: “DAMN!!!), she’s a multi-talented writer (Swan), and singer (Babywoman), she’s currently, rumored to be, supposedly dating the Prince of Dubai & she does charity work with Nelson Mandela.

Read More »Dangerous: Cell Phones and Spoiled Women

Randomness… PT. 4

In a little post I like to call randomness…A little sampling of what’s rocking my world:

Right now my life is very Safe Sex In The City. I guess I sorta broke up with my own personal Mr Big. I only found out very late in the game that when he started seeing me he had a boyfriend. Once they “officially” broke-up he calls to say, “Okay now I’m yours.” Uh…What? As my mother always said, “They leave you as they found you.” I was the other man and didn’t even know it. Player, play on. So if he was capable of stringing me along and having a beau @ the same time, without either of us knowing, what would make me stupid enough to think he wouldn’t do the same thing to me somewhere down the line. If given the opportunity. THEY LEAVE YOU LIKE THEY FOUND YOU. Ghetto profound.

Thing is, I’m the perfect other man. I’m a very practical boy. My thing is all about the Benjamins. Ducketts. Chips. Cake. $. Stocks. Bonds. LV luggage. Prada shoes. Dinner @ Mr Chow. Frette sheets. An apartment in Miami. I can keep a secret. If you wanna treat me like a ho, pay me like one. Otherwise step up to the plate, be a man and treat me like an equal. With the same respect and commitment with which I treat you. Oh well, you can’t win them all. The search continues for America’s Next Gay Husband.

Read More »Randomness… PT. 4

Brokeback Vs. Crash Pt. 2

The controversy continues. There are 2 camps: the pro-BBM* camp that say it was robbed and the Crash camp that says, “Sorry superior movie, thanks for the trophy.” There are a few others, real people who have lives, who don’t give a crap what movie wins Best Picture at the Oscars because they have lives and families to feed and…well you get the idea. Now I liked BBM. I thought it was pretty okay. I had some basic problems with it: Heath’s mumbling, Jake’s quirky, uneven performance, it being set in the 60’s through 80’s. But this movie has become so much more than a movie. What I love most about BBM is that it became an event. I love movies. The whole process. I love to know who was up for what part and who turned down which role. Like did you know that originally Sean Connery and Cathy Moriarty were up for Pretty Woman? Totally different movie. Or that Gwyneth passed on Titanic? Kate should send her roses everyday for the rest of her life. Or that The Bodyguard was originally a vehicle for Diana Ross? I love that BBM has spawned so many parodies. I love that it’s jumped the shark and it’s become part of the larger public consciousness.

That said it wasn’t the Best Picture of the Year. It just wasn’t. I don’t know that Crash was but I liked it more than BBM. The one glaring thing I miss about BBM is people call it a love story. Where is the love? Because I didn’t see it. Until it was too late. Ennis decides after Jack has been beaten to death that he’s in love. What happens if Jack had walked through that door ala Bobby on Dallas and it was all just a dream? Would Ennis and Jack had been happy? And hadn’t Jack started dating the friend in his home town? Whatever. That’s all conjecture. The movie was beautiful. It’s what one would expect from Ang Lee. The man is a genius. The Ice Storm is one of my fave movies. I mean I can even forgive him for that aberration, The Hulk. Any movie with hot ass Eric Bana in it I’m gonna see! I even saw Munich.
Speaking of which, where are all the Steven Spielberg fans and why aren’t they up in arms that Munich didn’t win? Did you know that a group of people actually raised over $24,000 and spent over $15,000 of it on an ad in Daily Variety protesting BBM’s loss? People are still dying from the ramifications of Hurricane Katrina and a group of real, live human beings spends that much money in a trade publication lamenting a movie’s Oscar loss?! That’s the outrage! Why not spend that money on Aids education? Or if you really think Hollywood is homophobic (which is the most insane thing I’ve ever heard because living here, everyone is gay) why not donate that $24,000 to GLAAD?!

Read More »Brokeback Vs. Crash Pt. 2

12 Of 12… Deux

Every twelfth day of every month take 12 pics to document the day. And in a way your life. I skipped last month (lost digital camera) but here is A Day In The Life Of Me:

This is me waking up. I sleep with Mr. Incredible and my cell phone. My phone is the 1st thing I touch in the morning. It usually wakes me up. My mom and brother can’t seem to grasp the fact that there is a time difference. Neither can my agents. But in their (agents) case the time diff is my general laziness as I like to sleep ’til noon.

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When Life Hands You Lemons…

…make mini lemon meringue tarts with vanilla-scented creme fraiche mousse. That’s what Lil’ Kim did before her unfortunate incarceration. Now I hate Lil’ kim. Wait, let me restate. I don’t hate her as I never met her. Saying you hate a person you’ve only seen on TV makes you seem crazy. I’m sure she has her good points. I’m sure her friends and family love her. And since she is in jail for holding it down and not sellin’ out her crew to the Man, I gotta show her some love. Now if she would just stop out-lining her lips in black pencil and stop wearing MAC “Myth” and put on some damn clothes, I’d be happy. Maybe prison will show her some restraint. I have no doubt my fave new show will be this:

Yes, Lil’ Kim, La Bella Mafia, has her own reality show. Shot in the weeks leading up to her forced vacation @ the worst spa in New York State. Let’s hope there’s no spitting ala “Pumkin” and “New York” on Flava Of Love. Certain things set my race back. Flavor Flav is and always has been one of those things. There are positive images of African American’s and then there’s Flava Of Love. By putting that show, with that man on TV, vh1 has set the image of my people back 250 years. We’re now coming over on the middle passage. Thanks Flav! Can you tell I don’t find Black folks clowning for the public’s amusement funny? But I can’t begrudge that man a gig. So… Back to reality…

1st let’s just say that Project Runway is the best reality show on TV. To me it is the gold standard. I wish I’d known Debra was doing it because I would have begged her to go with. I just missed my opportunity to meet Michael Kors after being introduced by Debra Messing. Damn. Daniel Vosovic is my boyfriend. I love him. The world is a better place because he exists. He makes me happy.

I hated his hair cut last night. I loved his collection. And Debra was right, the 13th look was amazing. That camel shift was to die for. But only a woman 5’9″ or above, size 2/4 could wear it. I loved the floral print he picked. I also loved that white military-inspired coat. But Michael and Nina Garcia were right.There was no Asian influence in that collection. He must have been thinking about Chloe or she was standing next to him on the runway ’cause that’s the closest thing to Asian we saw last night. And that big epaulet he stuck right in the middle of that beautiful dress was like a target. And then the model trips!? Any model worth her rate knows you hike the dress up a bit as you walk. Ugh!

Santino’s mom is the shit. Or so he says. I love a guy who loves his mom. Santino’s last dress was a thing of beauty. I loved that ombre print and the pleating. Just watching his show on the runway I thought, “Oh my God Santino won!” I loved his collection. It wasn’t until the playback that I saw yes, that (sh)it didn’t fit. And if it doesn’t fit..You must acquit. Or @ least lose. I, unlike Michael and Nina, liked Santino showing restraint. Let’s not forget the man dressed the figure skater like a turkey.

Chloe. Chloe. Chloe. What can we say about the Asian Sensation? I loved her all season. She seems like the type of girl you’d be friends with. Cool but not too cool. Smart but not too smart. Smart about stupid stuff like how Chopin vodka differs from Kettle One. Or where to get the best mani/pedi in Manhattan fast and cheap. All season long I thought her collections were good but safe. A bit one note. Yes, she can sew. She’s a tailor. And so what she wasn’t running around living for fashion? And being all stupid and crying every 2 seconds? Save the passion for that fine ass boyfriend, who is the best cameo of the season! One word of caution to Chloe: Asian women are notoriously the last stop to “Moville” on the gay train. Ask any gay man about his last girlfriend. She was either Asian, docile and they never had sex or Black, over-assertive and they rarely had sex. If he dumps you Chloe, I’ll buy the 1st round of drinks as we commiserate how bad men suck! Her collection? I had to look @ it twice. On first sight I hated it. I hate that color pink and that color blue and that stiff fabric. And good God in heaven I hate a shrug! No more shrugs. Ever. But the tailoring was key. And she used color. And she was completely different from what she did all season long. Take away the shrugs and you’ve got gorgeous red carpet ready gowns. And I loved her 13th Look; the pleated baby doll dress with pockets. Sorry Daniel a poorly-placed epaulet cost you the game. Congrats Chloe. You are the winner of Project Runway. You and Daniel should go into business together.

In other news I saw Beyoncé on 3rd Street. And you know what? She is gorgeous. And that butt isn’t as big as you’d think. I hear she is losing weight for Dreamgirls. Which will only make Jennifer look bigger. Which is cool. I can’t wait!

Read More »When Life Hands You Lemons…


Well it finally happened, the unbelievable…I am fed up with the Hollywood star system. It reached fever pitch last week. I was chosen by E! to announce the official Academy Awards gift basket. Now E! is a client for whom I love working. How Do I Look is like my fave gig. But the Holy Grail for me, the end all be all, the creme de la creme, my almost dream gig is to be an on-air correspondent for E! Not Entertainment Tonight or Extra! I want E! And when I say it, I say it like Missy Elliott in Honey: “I said I wan E! dammit!” My agent must really be tired of hearing that. Well last week it was sorta delivered to me in the most minute way. I got 4 minutes, which was cut down to 1 minute, part of which was me saying “$100,000.00 4 times.” The general consensus was I looked very handsome. And I was cute and funny. I was over the moon. My enthusiasm knew no bounds. I hope it showed. My dream gig you ask? Replacing Bob Barker on The Price Is Right! I love that show. I want that enthusiasm. When people get called to “come on down” they lose their minds! It must be the most fun job ever. Nothing bad ever happens on TPIR. I mean sometimes everyone over bids but then they get a do-over! Who doesn’t want a do-over? I competed on a game show once and good God in heaven how I wish I could have a do-over!

The thing that made me crazy was Hollywood was in a donut swirl last week. Which culminated in a lukewarm minute orgasm: the Oscar ceremony. Did you know that the term donut is slang for male models? Apparently male models are so vacuous and self-involved they can suck themselves off, creating what looks like a donut. I don’t know who made that up but when I lived in Milan that’s what people called my friends and I. Last week was a donut swirl here in L.A. People sucking themselves off all over the place. From the actresses being feted by every major designer to get them to wear their gowns, to the gift suites set up everywhere, sponsored by everything from magazines to diamonds to (strangely) an X-rated vodka marketed to women. And yes, I hit a few of the suites though the real ones wouldn’t let a piece of ex-reality trash like me anywhere near them.


The Dread…

So as I sit here in my Sundari Rose and Lavender Hydrating Mask, reading the New York Post gossip section, I’m dreading the moment. The moment when I must take off my luxe, white bathrobe and get dressed. Normally I like getting dressed. There are basically 2 occasions when I leave my house; to have a laugh with friends or to make money. I’m always up for either but today I dread leaving. I must dress and go to the gym. Unless I’m being paid to do something, I’m the laziest fuck on the face of the Earth. Deep inside me there is a 400 lb., Howard Hughes with Kleenex boxes on his feet and Tivo, humming, bathing him in it’s warm, ever-inviting, glow. He’s surrounded by Krispy Kreme doughnuts, Famous Amos cookies and Papa John’s chicken alfredo pizza boxes. Maybe a few copies of Details, Italian Vogue and porn mags too…

I have to go to the gym. It’s pilot season. And I’ve been running all over the place working and auditioning. It never ends. I’m just another L.A. carpet-bagger, selling my wares. Plying my charms. I wonder if Ben Foster works out? Ben I love you. You make me happy. You make this world a better place just by being here. You are almost as cute as Wentworth Miller. Almost.

Read More »The Dread…