Thanks to you guys who wrote me about THIS IS PERSONAL. I’m fine. The ex-beau drama is over. Well almost…
Last night I went out with friend and blogmate Brad Benton. It’s weird for me to say Brad Benton because I know his real name. Not his nom de plume. We were to meet Tony @ Fubar. But Mr Nightlife gave us the fade. Anyway Fubar (my fave gay bar in L.A.) was having “The Down Low” night. Brad and I walk up and the door guy is like “Hey guys there’s a $5 cover” and Brad goes, “Oh really…” causing the door guy to take a really good look @ us and wave us in gratis. You see Brad is a porn star and I’m a reality star and…You get the picture. Once inside the club was kinda empty but there were some hot, straight, ruff-looking papis and bros. There was a hot Latin stripper with a sweet bubble and a cute, just-the-right-side of fat, Black stripper w/a hot bubble also. Word to the Black stripper: Show more ass. That’s how you get tips. The club was hot. The music was hotter. But it was too dark. People (BRAD) kept stepping on my feet. And as usual I was wearing good shoes! Brown suede, modified chelsea boot w/wing tip detailing (hot!). Why the hell did I wear them to bars? So anyway the DL boys was staring @ Brad and I and the one I fancied (a hot little Latino # in a knit cap and dark green AE polo) was too. Unfortunately his friend, who was the same but not, saw me 1st and was eyeing me up and down. Damn. Well the cute one had on a wedding band so he must really have been on the DL. Brad and I bounced…
Continue reading “SUNDAY NIGHT FIGHTS!”
I posted this and got a lot of response but from the response felt it was too intimate and then took it down. Then I got “what happened to THIS IS PERSONAL?” and now I’m putting it back up. So without further ado:
Why are you back? What could you possibly want? It’s been almost 4 years. Why now? I waited for so long for this. I never loved anyone before you. I always wanted someone to love me and then I met you. And I learned the most important thing was to love someone else. I would have done anything to keep you. Did you know? That day when you walked away, I didn’t come to you because I couldn’t bring myself to put on an outfit that you would like, to come see you, so you could tell me what was wrong with me and why it was over. I couldn’t bring myself to play that scene. Because you know what? I would have cried. I would have begged you not to kill it. I would have made the biggest scene. Anything to keep you. So instead I let you go. I said “If you don’t love me and you want to be with someone else then go.” And you said, “It isn’t that simple.” I had a chance but I was too something to take it. Scared. Hurt. Proud. I had a “Love Shoulda Brought You Home Last Night” moment. Should I have fought? Would it have mattered?
Continue reading “THIS IS PERSONAL.”
THE TIME HAS COME FOR NEW HEADSHOTS. ALL OF A SUDDEN FOR HEADSHOT IT’S ALL ABOUT COLOR. WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN? THE THING WITH HEADSHOTS IS THEY CAN EITHER BE GREAT AND GET YOU A JOB OR HORRID AND A WASTE OF CASH. A THING YOU ARE SADDLED WITH UNTIL THE NEXT TIME YOU’VE GOT AN EXTRA FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS LAYING AROUND YOU DON’T WANNA SPEND ON SHOES OR RENT. ANYWAY, IT WAS TIME FOR NEW HEADSHOTS. MY FRIEND GABRIEL HAD BEEN ASKING ME TO SHOOT WITH HIM FOR MONTHS. I WAS AMBIVALENT, NOT BECAUSE GABRIEL ISN’T A GOOD PHOTOGRAPHER. HE IS GREAT. IT WAS BECAUSE I’D YET TO SEE HIM SHOOT A BROTHER. GABRIEL HAS SHOT LOTS OF CAUCASIAN MEN, BUT NO AFRICAN AMERICANS AND IT IS DIFFERENT. WE NEED TO BE LIT WELL, TO PICK UP OUR SKIN TONES. I ALSO DIDN’T FEEL LIKE BEING IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA. THOSE WHO KNOW ME STOP LAUGHING. I DIDN’T FEEL LIKE HAVING MY PICTURE TAKEN. I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE BEING FILMED; Y’ALL KNOW I WANNA LIVE MY LIFE IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA. I DIDN’T FEEL LIKE BEING A MODEL AGAIN. THE MUTE OBJECT OF THE LENS. NOW WHEN I STEP IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA, I WANNA BE HEARD. I ALSO DIDN’T KNOW IF I STILL HAD “IT.” “IT,” THAT THING THAT HAPPENS WITH THE CAMERA, MODEL, AND PHOTOGRAPHER, WHICH MAKES A GOOD PICTURE. WHAT IF I LOST “IT” OR GREW OUT OF “IT?” I NEVER WORRIED ABOUT “IT” WHILE MODELING. I TOOK “IT” FOR GRANTED. NOW WOULD “IT” HAVE DESERTED ME? OKAY, I’M MAKING MYSELF SICK WITH “IT!”
GABRIEL’S IDEA WAS TO SHOOT ME AGAINST A PINK BACKGROUND. I LOVE PINK. IS IT TOO GAY TO SAY THAT? BEING A STYLIST I PULLED A FEW THINGS I THOUGHT WOULD WORK; A PINK TEE WITH A COTTON BLOOM WHICH I LOVE AND FIND IRONIC BECAUSE OF COTTON AND THE BLACK MAN’S HISTORY IN AMERICA, A GREY MARC JACOBS-ESQUE JACKET DIRT CHEAP FROM URBAN OUTFITTERS, A BROWN LEATHER CUFF BECAUSE IT WAS VERY “YOUNG ACTOR-Y.” MY ROOMMATE ERIC AND I PILE IN THE CAR. ERIC DRIVES ME BASICALLY EVERYWHERE, SINCE I DON’T DRIVE AND NEVER LEARNED. E ALSO INTRODUCED ME TO GABRIEL. THEY HAVE BEEN FRIENDS FOREVER. OFF TO THE VALLEY. ONCE THERE AND INSIDE THE STUDIO GABRIEL STARTS PUTZING WITH LIGHTING AND I START FUSSING WITH MAKE UP. YEAH, I SAID IT. I HAD TO THROW SOME MAC STUDIO FIX NW45 ON THE DOME AND FILL IN MY BROWS. THERE WE ARE AGAINST THE PINK SWEEP AND I’M PLYING MY TRADE, WHICH IS A BIT EMBARRASSING IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS. ONE HOUR LATER, AND WE ARE DONE. DIGITAL IS THE MOST AMAZING THING. YOU SHOOT, AND YOU HAVE IT. A GAZILLION FRAMES LATER, AND I HAVE NEW HEADSHOTS. I LIKE THEM. THEY ARE PRETTY IN PINK.