THIS IS PERSONAL.

I posted this and got a lot of response but from the response felt it was too intimate and then took it down. Then I got “what happened to THIS IS PERSONAL?” and now I’m putting it back up. So without further ado:

Why are you back? What could you possibly want? It’s been almost 4 years. Why now? I waited for so long for this. I never loved anyone before you. I always wanted someone to love me and then I met you. And I learned the most important thing was to love someone else. I would have done anything to keep you. Did you know? That day when you walked away, I didn’t come to you because I couldn’t bring myself to put on an outfit that you would like, to come see you, so you could tell me what was wrong with me and why it was over. I couldn’t bring myself to play that scene. Because you know what? I would have cried. I would have begged you not to kill it. I would have made the biggest scene. Anything to keep you. So instead I let you go. I said “If you don’t love me and you want to be with someone else then go.” And you said, “It isn’t that simple.” I had a chance but I was too something to take it. Scared. Hurt. Proud. I had a “Love Shoulda Brought You Home Last Night” moment. Should I have fought? Would it have mattered?

You just walked away. That last phone call was it. How do you do that? Rip someone open, claw out their heart and give it back to them? I cried for days. I don’t think I got out of bed the 1st week. And how easily I was replaced. Younger. Taller. Cuter. White. Was he easier? Was I difficult? Because it felt so easy. I didn’t see it coming. Just blindsided. It was good and then it was over. You should not have said you loved me if it wasn’t true. You should not have made plans for forever if it was only for now.

I kept everything you gave me. Every time I’m in New York I scan the crowds looking for you. I go to the places we went. The Prada store in Soho. That Starbucks on 7th. Magnolia Bakery. Do you remember? Every time we had dinner, no matter where, we would go to Magnolia and get cupcakes for dessert. And then we’d walk hand in hand through Chelsea home. I was so proud to be with you. Every time I’m in New York I pass the apartment where we stayed. And then I pass the building where you live. And I wonder are you there? Is there someone else? Sitting on the sofa I chose. Sleeping in the bed I picked out. But worse I wonder if you are alone. Because If you’re alone then why am I so alone?

I waited for you to rescue me that summer. I only went on that show to show you. So you could see me. People thought I was crazy. That I was talking to myself. But I was talking to you. Replaying conversations we had. Having conversations yet to be. One night I even begged you to come get me. I said, “I’ve had enough. I’m done. Come pick me up. Take me home and let’s walk through Soho.” You didn’t come. And I couldn’t rescue myself.

I’m still right where you left me. I doesn’t take much. An old cell with your numbers in it. BBC America. A scene in an audition where a guy dumps me out of the blue. That was an easy scene to play. I was good. I’d been there before. I know that character intimately.

I’m cold now A. You created a bitch. No, a coward. Too afraid to get in the game. Because he knows how high the stakes are. And that you can lose so much.

It’s 6 a.m. I’ve been playing Come Back To Me by Janet Jackson on repeat. And Why Should I Care by Toni Braxton over and over. Trying to figure out what I’m going to do. See it’s not so simple. It’s not old friends reuniting after a long absence. It’s someone, the only person I’ve ever loved. So if you just want to say hi or have dinner with a familiar face while in a strange city…

Janet says:
Looking through my old drawer
Came across the letter you wrote
Said you needed time away
That was so long ago
All my life I’ve waited
To see your smile again
In my mind I hated
Not able to let go

Toni says:
Back in the day
I shoulda been wiser
But what can I say
I shoulda been onto you
But I was afraid
That you’d break my heart in two
Fate would have it that you broke it anyway baby
And every time I close my eyes
I just remind myself
You told about a million lies
You put my heart through hell
And now you wanna get with me
Just for old times sake
Well I am not about to make that same mistake

Every step I’ve taken has been to lead me back to you. From Big Brother on. Why are you back? What is the lesson in this?