So I’m on hold. In suspended animation. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. In a crazy elevator caught listening to weird muzak. The summer looms ahead as I sit wondering what the hell am I going to do. I usually look forward to the summer. I mean really who doesn’t, right? When you are a child you look forward to summer vacation. When I became an adult and began modelling I loved summer. It was my busiest season. And all my friends would pour into the States from all over the World. It was fun. As the host of House Calls: The Big Brother Talk Show I’ve felt the same way. Every summer I know Big Brother is coming and my gig will be back. I look forward to making new friends and being silly. Now as Big Brother All Stars looms I’m in even more of a state. Am I doing it? Will I be back for House Calls? I just shot another pilot which brings my total pilots since 2002 to 15. Will that pilot get picked up before Big Brother/House Calls and will I be doing that instead? The mind reels.

One thing remains consistent, whatever I do I gotta go to the gym. Ya can’t be too thin and the camera adds 10 lbs. Right across your ass, thigh and abdomen. A very smart woman, (Oprah) once said, “Nothing tastes as good as thin.” Well she never had the banana cupcake or the coconut chocolate cupcake from Sprinkles or the pecan bear caramel apple from Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory. I have (yesterday) and that’s even more reason to hit the gym! The funny thing is that though I’m on hold, the World around me moves forward. I don’t wanna work. Period. I’ve got money in the bank and more coming in everyday for doing plenty of nothing. Right now I’m content just going to the gym, taking 5 mile walks with Mel and hanging out laughing with friends. But life doesn’t stop. The phone rings, it’s my agents. “You have a model booking.” “Um mm, what?” Check my email, it’s my friend Nik. “Hey handsome, so you’re booked for Before and After’noon Movie.” I’m happy and blessed and grateful but @ the same time I just wanna stay home. Or go shopping @ Barney’s.

So did you see me on How Do I Look? It was a cute episode. Though once again I didn’t get picked! I’m such a huge competitor. I don’t like to lose. The hardest part about Big Brother 3 wasn’t getting played by Danielle and Jason, I can live with being lied to, the hardest part was losing to those los… Excuse me… those wonderful children of God. I can’t believe I didn’t get picked! I approached that make-over like a paid client. I did the research. I listened. Ascertained her needs! I pulled back and showed restraint. With HDIL it’s always the hair that kills you. The make-overee will love your outfits but if you go too far with hair and make up you are done. Well this time I chose the soft waves and sun-touched tresses of Kelly Clarkson. If there is one thing Kelly, our fave AI winner gets right it’s that hair! And what does the make-overee go and do? She chooses the most radical haircut! And the outfits that show the most cleavage! What a dirty rip!? I can’t believe she didn’t pick my collection! That pink embellished top and blue skirt with vintage inspired shoe was gorgeous! Ah well… I’m the Susan Lucci of How Do I Look. Finola says they will keep bringing me back till I win.

Here are some stills from my latest gig, Before and After’noon Movie. It airs August 19th. I did a make-over on a tween who is moving to teen. I also made-over her bedroom. Emma is so cute! And so is Henry. My very good friend Nik is the director. She’s also the person who suggested I do Big Brother 3 in the 1st place. Nik thanks!

Taylor beat Katherine. It was the ultimate season of the replicant on American Idol. Taylor is a low-rent Michael McDonald, Takin’ It To The Streets. Lest Taylor Keep Forgetting we’re Not In Love Anymore, I hope he realizes that Hey, he ain’t 19 and puts out that Clive Davis over-produced Adult Contemporary album that my crystal ball sees looming in his future. And please do it and release it and get it over with whilst I’m away this summer. That is not music I shall be listening to during my vacation. And what do I spy in my little eye for Katherine (KindaKelly)? The national tour of Hairspray.

Brad and Angie had THE BABY. It’s kinda like The Omen. This can’t end well. No matter what I see unhappiness in that kids’ future. A Lindsay Lohan for the pre-K set. Can’t you see the paparazzi following Shiloh to her 1st day of preschool? She all turned out in denim romper not made in a 3rd world country. Speaking of which is there such a thing as a second world country? I digress, Brad and Angie reportedly sold the pics of their newborn for…wait for it…it’s coming…$4.9 million! Ah…I just came. Sorry but that kind of money gets me really excited. You realize most of us won’t see that kind of money in our ENTIRE LIFETIMES. Brad and Angie got it for having unsafe sex.

Only in Hollywood. Only in Hollywood.

10 thoughts on “Hold… For Plane.

  1. Oh that’s right someone is out of school! I lead such a party life in this weird way. My friends are like “thank gosh it’s Friday” and I’m always like “so what it Tuesday? Let’s go drink!”

  2. Ummm, you know Finola? As you would put it: J’adore her! She’s so beautiful, and that accent just puts me over the top.

    Anyway, my perfect summertime experience involves drinking margaritas at the beach around noon, taking an afternoon nap to recuperate, then getting ready to go out and partying the night away. Summertime, and the livin’ is easy 🙂

    Oh, let me not forget that summer also gives me more free time to watch Big Brother!

  3. Love you to peaces..I hope this summer your either in the house or house calls. If you get in the line up of 20, you can coung on my vote or votes..I’ll just keep voting till my fingers get tired. Summer just isin’t summer without Marcellas Smile/Laugh..keep up the great work! Good luck in everything you do.

    KittyGina..Mom to 5 Boys, living in Canada, born in Portugal

  4. Dude,

    Whether you do Big Bro All Stars or your pilot gets picked up, good luck.

    Whatever you do on TV, we will be watching.

    Both my wife and I are big fans of yours. You are funny and real, and that is so rare today in entertainment. Everybody is trying to be something they’re not. You seem to just be yourself, which, in your case, is extremely entertaining and refreshing.

    Best wishes.

  5. Oh my gosh! I am so glad that I found you! I am your greatest fan! I loved you on BB3 and hope that you are part of BB7! YOU MADE THE SHOW!! Anyways, I just had to leave you a note that I think you are the greatest and hope for wonderful things for you!


  6. Amy! That was one of the sweetest notes I’ve ever gotten! Thank you so much! Gosh I only want to be able to live up to that!



  7. As much as I would love to see you on House Calls or in the Big Brother house this summer… I hope that ultimately you do something that will make you really happy. You deserve at least that!

    You have brought so much happiness to so many people. Whether it be your witty banter, your adorable tirades, or the honest love you put out there, you bring people joy. Especially me. 🙂

    (mother of 2 little guys, long time fan, and frightened lurker.)

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