Hold… For Plane.

So I’m on hold. In suspended animation. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. In a crazy elevator caught listening to weird muzak. The summer looms ahead as I sit wondering what the hell am I going to do. I usually look forward to the summer. I mean really who doesn’t, right? When you are a child you look forward to summer vacation. When I became an adult and began modelling I loved summer. It was my busiest season. And all my friends would pour into the States from all over the World. It was fun. As the host of House Calls: The Big Brother Talk Show I’ve felt the same way. Every summer I know Big Brother is coming and my gig will be back. I look forward to making new friends and being silly. Now as Big Brother All Stars looms I’m in even more of a state. Am I doing it? Will I be back for House Calls? I just shot another pilot which brings my total pilots since 2002 to 15. Will that pilot get picked up before Big Brother/House Calls and will I be doing that instead? The mind reels.

One thing remains consistent, whatever I do I gotta go to the gym. Ya can’t be too thin and the camera adds 10 lbs. Right across your ass, thigh and abdomen. A very smart woman, (Oprah) once said, “Nothing tastes as good as thin.” Well she never had the banana cupcake or the coconut chocolate cupcake from Sprinkles or the pecan bear caramel apple from Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory. I have (yesterday) and that’s even more reason to hit the gym! The funny thing is that though I’m on hold, the World around me moves forward. I don’t wanna work. Period. I’ve got money in the bank and more coming in everyday for doing plenty of nothing. Right now I’m content just going to the gym, taking 5 mile walks with Mel and hanging out laughing with friends. But life doesn’t stop. The phone rings, it’s my agents. “You have a model booking.” “Um mm, what?” Check my email, it’s my friend Nik. “Hey handsome, so you’re booked for Before and After’noon Movie.” I’m happy and blessed and grateful but @ the same time I just wanna stay home. Or go shopping @ Barney’s.

So did you see me on How Do I Look? It was a cute episode. Though once again I didn’t get picked! I’m such a huge competitor. I don’t like to lose. The hardest part about Big Brother 3 wasn’t getting played by Danielle and Jason, I can live with being lied to, the hardest part was losing to those los… Excuse me… those wonderful children of God. I can’t believe I didn’t get picked! I approached that make-over like a paid client. I did the research. I listened. Ascertained her needs! I pulled back and showed restraint. With HDIL it’s always the hair that kills you. The make-overee will love your outfits but if you go too far with hair and make up you are done. Well this time I chose the soft waves and sun-touched tresses of Kelly Clarkson. If there is one thing Kelly, our fave AI winner gets right it’s that hair! And what does the make-overee go and do? She chooses the most radical haircut! And the outfits that show the most cleavage! What a dirty rip!? I can’t believe she didn’t pick my collection! That pink embellished top and blue skirt with vintage inspired shoe was gorgeous! Ah well… I’m the Susan Lucci of How Do I Look. Finola says they will keep bringing me back till I win.

Here are some stills from my latest gig, Before and After’noon Movie. It airs August 19th. I did a make-over on a tween who is moving to teen. I also made-over her bedroom. Emma is so cute! And so is Henry. My very good friend Nik is the director. She’s also the person who suggested I do Big Brother 3 in the 1st place. Nik thanks!

Taylor beat Katherine. It was the ultimate season of the replicant on American Idol. Taylor is a low-rent Michael McDonald, Takin’ It To The Streets. Lest Taylor Keep Forgetting we’re Not In Love Anymore, I hope he realizes that Hey, he ain’t 19 and puts out that Clive Davis over-produced Adult Contemporary album that my crystal ball sees looming in his future. And please do it and release it and get it over with whilst I’m away this summer. That is not music I shall be listening to during my vacation. And what do I spy in my little eye for Katherine (KindaKelly)? The national tour of Hairspray.

Brad and Angie had THE BABY. It’s kinda like The Omen. This can’t end well. No matter what I see unhappiness in that kids’ future. A Lindsay Lohan for the pre-K set. Can’t you see the paparazzi following Shiloh to her 1st day of preschool? She all turned out in denim romper not made in a 3rd world country. Speaking of which is there such a thing as a second world country? I digress, Brad and Angie reportedly sold the pics of their newborn for…wait for it…it’s coming…$4.9 million! Ah…I just came. Sorry but that kind of money gets me really excited. You realize most of us won’t see that kind of money in our ENTIRE LIFETIMES. Brad and Angie got it for having unsafe sex.

Only in Hollywood. Only in Hollywood.