I must admit, I’m not happy to see 2005 go. It was very good for me creatively and I watched my career soar. I had some incredible highs:
- Playing Micah Okwu on The Bold & The Beautiful.
- Hosting House Calls.
- Becoming the red carpet correspondent at the Primetime Emmy Awards for CBS.
- Shooting multiple episodes of How Do I Look on the Style Network.
- Becoming the first out talent on BET.
- Hosting BET’s Remixed!
It feels as though for the first time since 2002 the curse of Big Brother has lifted. Surviving a reality show is hard. The casting agents and producers never warned me about the negative aspects of doing reality television. All they cared about was cajoling me into saying yes. Did you know I turned Big Brother down? I went to the finals, killed it, and got on the plane thinking, “Nope. Not for me. I’m good.” When they called to discuss the next steps, I passed. Then a few months later they called and offered me Survivor and I heard myself say, “No, I can’t do Survivor, but maybe Big Brother.” Then I was on the show, and it was done. For every door reality fame opens, it closes even more. There have been moments where I felt like I had to fight for the respect any person is due. It seems because I did Big Brother, the fans can say whatever awful thing they want about me. The internet makes the jealous who are not leading fulfilling lives vicious.
Every day I fight for respect. It’s never-ending. It’s as though my successes before my reality moment was negated. I take meetings where the only topic anyone wants to discuss is who I still talk to from Big Brother. When I try and change the subject to who I am and what I can do, silence. The stink of reality clings to you, and you can not wash it away, no matter how hard you scrub. Hollywood only sees you as an ex-reality star, as though the only talent you have is being yourself, and that is somehow bad.
I truly believe that God or whatever higher power you believe in gives you what you deserve.
The New Year is a time to reflect upon the past. It’s a time to look at what worked and what did not. It’s a chance to change the narrative if you are brave enough to do so. It’s also time to plan for the future. Last year was not successful for me romantically. I had many dates, but I didn’t get what I wanted; a boyfriend. I never met that special guy who makes you not want to see anyone else. Maybe I’m a player? Perhaps I have unrealistically high expectations? Is it too much to want five carats?
L.A. sucks for dating. It is the most desirous city in the World. Everyone has an agenda and is looking for something, usually fame or fortune. Where New York is competitive, Chicago is simple, Miami is sexual, and London is proper with a side of dirty, L.A. is all about desire, and not so much for sex though people here will use sex to get what they want quicker than anywhere I’ve ever lived. You meet men in L.A., and they look right through you, past you, actually. They see you, yet they are already thinking about what you can do for them, what they can get from you, and who is next. As I type this, Ellie, my fave character on Degrassi: The Next Generation, just said, “Guys suck, Ashley. They are just here to mess us up.”
Is that true?
In 2005, I fell for a guy who was all kinds of crazy. He was sexy, pale with dark hair, and a massively deep voice he used as a battering ram. I liked him because he was very male and knew about sports and politics. He challenged me. If I took one position, he took the opposite. He had passion and conviction. Unfortunately, he was a bi-polar, self-medicating, functional alcoholic. Boy, can I pick ’em? It got to the point where I could either be an enabler or pick up my self-respect and move on. I chose the latter. My mom always said, “I can do bad by myself.” In this instance, I’m better alone.
So onward to 2006 and welcome new year. My resolutions? To look better than I looked in the Sexiest Men Of Reality 2006 calendar. That means more gym, less cake, and less drinking. It sucks that alcohol is just empty calories! I want to learn to drive. Yes, that will be me in the car with the sign on top and the two steering wheels. I want another television series. Starring in BET’s Remixed! was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I’m going to stop paying the salaries of several salespeople in several malls all over L.A. I’m going to buy a Hybrid. I’m going to grow an Afro. I’m tired of being “the bald guy.” Maybe I’ll get the five-carat ring I want? Perhaps I’ll buy it for myself.
5 thoughts on “Welcome 2006”
This post sounds like an honest assessment of your year. I cannot tell a lie, however, I thought I would come here and peek around to see if you were doing housecalls again this year??
I think you are extremely attractive as a bald guy, but I am kinda excited to see you with hair.
Thanks for sharing, Nicole
Hey Nikki! I’m contracted to do 2 more seasons of House Calls for CBS. No matter how crazy the fans get I will be there. I love “The H.C.” as well as Big Brother. Season 3 of “The H.C.” I’ll be getting a producer credit as well. I wonder if that means I’ll have more control…Hm mm…
Thanks about the bald thing. Right now I look like that mythical beast, the Yeti.
AHHHH!!! OK. So, I just got my birthday present in the mail. I got season 3 on DVD! (is my husband the best or what?) I had never seen it before. I didn’t watch BB until season six. Maybe I am impartial, but I am up to episode 8 (just past you as HOH for the first time). So far, I see that you handled yourself with so much grace. I cannot believe what a grasp of the game you had right away. Like you are best buddies with Amy – but at least in the editing – it does not seem that you relied heavily on her opinion to make your decisions. You don’t trust anybody. You are conflicted about being sneaky – showing that you are a REAL human being. Come on Marcellas – I cannot find the immature person that you were talking about on HC!
I am trying not to go back and watch HC in the archives to see how you now feel about these people. I want to wait until I have watched all of the episodes. So far, Gerry scares me. I cannot believe how he talks to you!? Is it ok for a straight person to say to a respectable gay man, “You were just Queen-ing out”? what? Danielle scares me, too. As much as I do NOT like Gerry, I am so glad that you did not end up taking off Josh and putting him up. That would have been wrong. But why when you are talking to Danielle, would you even entertain the idea?
I love you, I love love love BB, and I am so happy that you are going to be doing the next two seasons of HC! It would NOT be HC without you!
good luck with the resolutions!!!!!!
I found your blog from the bbq and if you don’t mind I linked it from my blog:
I like your blog and like the reflection of the last year.
Also it’s good to see that your doing housecalls again!!
P.S. Can I be on your hotlist?!