Damn! Why Isn’t that me?

This just in…

In a segment, I like to call “Damn! Why Isn’t That Me?”:

Ron Perelman, the owner of global cosmetics giant Revlon, is divorcing Ellen Barkin, the star of the movie Sea of Love and that terrible movie co-starring Laurence Fishburne. In a completely unrelated stream of thought, isn’t every movie with Laurence Fishburne bad? Yep, Mr. Perelman. He of the bad advertising campaigns that feature actresses instead of models is dropping his personal actress like a hot potato. But here’s the thing, he served papers on a stunned Ellen, whose prenup states she’ll get twenty million for anything up to five years but more if she hangs on longer. That marriage was like the ultimate, glam reality show; a married edition of Survivor or a real luxe Big Brother.

Excuse me, but where do I sign up?! See related article.

Mr. Perelman has been married before. Often, actually. Ellen was wife #4. Yet, Ron doesn’t leave his exes high and dry.

• First wife: $8,000,000.
• Second wife: $80,000,000. All together now, “Damn! Why Isn’t That Me!?”
• Third wife: $30,000,000.

Ron is like, “You ain’t gotta stay. I’d actually prefer you not. Here’s a little something for leaving.” That’s what I like, a nice parting gift! “Thanks for playing. Here ya go.”

My advice to Ellen is to take the money and run. You didn’t make this kind of cake off Someone Like You or Sea of Love. You were hot in that movie with Dennis Quaid, back in the day. Not that you aren’t hot now, but… Well, you know what I mean.