Alright to keep that little bitch Chad off my back I’m doing 12 of 12. Did you ever see the movie Groundhog Day w/Bill Murray and a smokin’ hot Andie MacDowell? Well that’s not the day I had but I’m reusing pics from old 12 of 12’s. And I don’t want any lip from other bloggers either! My life is a ridic Groundhog Day lately ’cause I have insomnia and sleep maybe 2 hours a day. Yes, I said day, I don’t get to sleep til 5 a.m. when the sun comes up.
Or a crackhead. (Excuse me E, my name is not Whitney.) Did you see the pics of Whitney’s bathroom that Bobby’s sister leaked/sold to The Enquirer? Sad. I’m praying for you Whitney! Do you guys remember when Whitney was a White girl and couldn’t dance but she wanted to dance with somebody? With somebody who loved her? Too bad she met Bobby. It’s like the movie Sparkle. “Sister can’t fly on one wing.”
Right now I’m listening to The Look Of Love by ABC on iTunes. Next I’m gonna listen to Perfect Way by Scritti Politti. And I’m gonna get up and pretend I’m Veronica Webb in the video. I should go draw on some big, bushy eyebrows. You want a diva, a deduction. You wanna do what they do. You wanna do a damage that you can undo. But up until that day. Apart from everyone. Away from your love. A part of me belongs, apart from all the hurt above. I’ve got a perfect way to make a new proposition. I’ve got a perfect way to make a justification. I’ve got a perfect way to make a certain a maybe. I’ve got a perfect way to make the girls go crazy. Love that song! I feel a karaoke moment coming on. Just so you know I’m the worst karaokier in the World. I flail around and don’t look @ the screen and I screech @ the top of my lungs. But I always get a standing ovation cause I’m cute and funny and don’t care. And I pick stupid songs. That’s the key; don’t get up there and butcher Greatest Love Of All, get up there and destroy Bad Boys or Wake Me Up Before You Go Go by Wham! And flail your arms and jump around like you’re having a spasm. It’s fun.
Once again I’m on the Master Cleanse. I know but it beats going to the gym. I’m not sleeping. I feel lazy. This one is horrid. Nausea, cramps, diarrhea, lethargy. But I have dropped almost 10 lbs in 6 days. Too bad the first time I put a cookie in my mouth I’m gonna swell up like Veruca Salt. And I shall put a cookie in my mouth! I shall put several cookies in my mouth. And I shall chew. The end of the cleanse coincides with $1 Filet O Fish Friday and I got a brand new crisp ass 10 damn dollar bill! I’ma eat the f%*k outta a Filet O Fish on Friday. Several Filet O Fishes actually. Y’all should come watch. That’s a real reality show gawddam.
I’m starting with a trainer. Big has a sick crazy body. I want that. Literally. Now that I dropped 10, it’s time to take my sorta svelte butt to the gym like a real boy and work the hell out. Big is helping me with nutrition, supplements and work out routines. And I’m gonna listen because Big is friggin’ hot. I mean would you ever go to a fat trainer? What are they gonna teach you? I already know how to lift a fork to my face. If there were an Olympic competition for that I’d place second. Behind that big girl from Belarus. It’s cool. I like silver better anyway.
My bowling team, The Angel Mafia is now composed of all reality people and Chad. But he’s cool. He’s a casting agent so all the girls will be trying to get re-discovered. The team consists of Jenna and Jerri from Survivor All Stars, Valerie from Temptation Island (my fly ass homie, she be holdin it down yo), Coral from The Real World (maybe. You can never get a straight answer out of those Real Worlders. They sketchy.), Brittany from America’s Next Top Model (who I am stoked to meet and so is Chad), Erika and Lori from Big Brother (yeah I’m packing the heat. All the girls on the Mafia is hot.), James from Boy Meets Boy (please help me find my libido) and David Daskal from Average Joe. We are going to be rowdy and fun and I hope someone gets drunk and moons someone. Chad? James? A boy can dream.
The above photo is a plant. It’s not a 12 Of 12. But I look good, Valerie looks sexy and Shaun is hot. Wanna see something beautiful?That’s Shaun’s butt. It’s like sunshine. Thank you Shaun. Thank you ever so.
I did manage to do laundry today while Washington and I had Game Afternoon. Washington and I get together once a week and play games. No, not sex, though Washington is a hottie. Real games. Chinese checkers, Boggle, Blackgammom* & my new fave, Parcheesi. If you haven’t played Parcheesi go buy a set right now! It’s so chic. It’s ridic how chic it is. It’s all “1978 Bianca Jagger hangin in St. Tropez, playing a board game with the shirtless help” chic. Basically it’s like high-end Sorry. I beat Washington in Boggle! Yeah! Please tell me “fave” is a real word. Washington made me pull out the dictionary! He also says “lite” isn’t a real word. He was trying to say “light dressing.” Who buys “light dressing?” That’s a color or a weight. Light blue or 10 lbs. lighter. Whatever. He was losing.
I’ve been playing song of the day like it’s my job. Song Of The Day is a game I invented. You text a friend a song like say, Poison Arrow by ABC. Then the other player texts you back a song like ABC by the Jackson 5 or Poison by Bel Biv Devoe. Get it? Though if someone sent me Poison, I would have to start doing the running man and then I’d have that annoying song in my head the rest of the day. I digress… Do you understand Song Of The Day? Good. Now in your head, Song Of The Day I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston.
Acceptable responses for I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston: I Will Always Love You by Dolly Parton. Or My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion (it’s from a movie soundtrack, it’s a love song, it’s by a music superstar married to the wrong man…). Or even My Name Is Not Susan by Whitney Houston. I love that song. It’s when Whitney got ghetto. She had a little platinum bob wig on in the video. You know Cissy or Nipsy or whatever her name is, saw that video and was like, “Uh oh. This can’t end well.”
Sorry the Master Cleanse is making loopy. If you wanna watch me inhale 10 Filet O Fishes on Friday, stop by the MacDonald’s on Crescent Heights and Sunset Blvd. around 11 a.m. As soon as breakfast ends, I begin. Wait… I’ll only be able to get 8 because of tax! Damn.
*Blackgammon is a version of backgammon that my mom taught me when I was little. It’s cute.