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The Email That Made Me Cry.

The concept of fans has always been a bit weird to me. I mean what does that mean, anyway. I like certain actors and artists. I support their work if it’s good. If I like it. And I love Francesco Clemente and Vonnegut but I’d never reach out to them. But I guess being a “reality star” and the connection that Big Brother has to the Internet, well I have fans. And detractors. I’m still trying to come to terms with that whole thing and what it means. Here is an email from a member of my forum, whom over the years I’ve gotten to know very well. She has supported me through good and bad times and I love her. In the midst of all this post BB craziness I just got this from my Neenameena. It’s what it’s all about. This is a fan. This is a viewer. Everytime I get a note from her it teaches me something. About kindness and forgiveness. About failing and getting up and trying to be better.

I love you Nina.

Dearest Light,

You’re back! I tried, so hard, to give you a breather, because, I know that you’re being bombarded by emails and calls – catching up, and decompressing from three months boredom, isolation, and “Howie.”

I don’t want to talk game with you, because, I’m certain that you’ve discussed it, read about it, and heard about it ad nauseam.

I will say that it did my heart so good, to see you bring closure to the pain that you’ve carried, and made up with Dani. I completely felt and knew where you were coming from with Julie.

Many things have happened since you have been gone. I had to have mother exhumed; the funeral home blundered. Well, what we saw in the casket was ghastly. Horrendous and it was the last straw for me. I came home, blackened my room, and stopped eating.

However, I was listening to the live feeds one night and I heard a familiar voice say “Hi, Nina.” A shout out from my baby! I smiled so big and got out of bed. I sat in my desk chair and laughed robustly. Suddenly hungry, I had a nutritional shake and water.

I hadn’t done any of that in weeks. Bless your heart. See, we touch people lives in ways that we never could imagine.

At that moment, I wasn’t a fan, stalker, sycophant, cheerleader, but your friend. You were thinking about me in the middle of everything, and that friends’ heart touched me, galvanized my spirit, and broke the spell of loss that I was encapsulated in – spiritually, mentally and physically.

When I heard you say “I love women”, I smiled and said aloud “go ahead baby, we love you too.”

As, I sat meditating about the brokenness of family; I heard you say “Whatever” on House Calls, and I shouted – “you better preach.”

My mind gravitated towards the Godly people who have done and said ungodly things to me in my grief – you spoke the wisdom of your mother “some of the biggest devils are in church.” And the WORD became truth and life.

As I watched you vote for Erika: I said aloud “there stands a son, brother, cousin, uncle, and father.” You alone, cast a vote and sent a universal message; it was unacceptable to brand a woman, sister, and daughter a “ho”. Definitely, you showed the meaning of loyalty.

Please know how grateful I am to know your spirit. Thank you, for my surprise. I’m working hard to get better, so, that I can embrace you – dearest brother.

Continue to walk your path in life with your head held high, shoulders back, learning and earning your place in God’s kingdom.

Please let Kaysar know that one night I listened to his prayer, and it was so heartfelt. It blessed me to be able to pray again, and allowed my anger with God to dissipate; over the loss of Mother.

Prayer works in whatever language or doctrine.

I missed you, so much, my warrior.

Peace & Blessings,
Nina