Drama!

The Slap Heard Around The World.

June 27, 2006July 13, 2015

So we all know my girl is in trouble again. You know I loves me some Naomi. And who hasn’t had trouble with the help? Though my roommie and I love our current maid. Not to mention she could probably take us 2 queens down in .02 seconds! The woman just moved a sofa by herself, the same one Eric and I both drag about the floor, huffing and puffing while scratching the hardwood! I think Naomi should be forgiven for her…let’s say, short temper. She is after all one of the World’s most beautiful women. Naomi’s current predicament got me thinking, “Who will I smack this summer?”

Found!!!! The Real Golden Power Of Veto.

June 23, 2006July 13, 2015

So Big Brother makes this big deal about having past “artifacts” in the house on BB7. During the wrap party for BB3 I was summoned over to the Big Table (where Arnold, Alison, Don & Jon Kroll were sitting). On the table was a small lacquered box. Now I’m the kinda boy that knows a gift when he sees one. Arnold proceeds to hand me the box. Now @ this point I’m all atwitter. I’m thinking, “Is this a Rolex or a Tag?” “How nice since I made your damn show!” I was actually preparing a thank you speech. Only to open the box and find not a watch, not a little trinket to put in the vault but the DAMN GOLDEN POWER OF F*%kIN VETO! Clowned again.

And what does a boy say to that? Having the object of your destruction/humiliation given to you gift wrapped; “Gee. Thanks Guys. I thought it was a watch you cheap bastards!” No, that’s not what I said as I love those guys. I laughed as we all did. But I resisted all attempts to make me put it on.

Is It Crazy That I Want Back In?

June 22, 2006July 13, 2015

So is it crazy to want back in? Last time I got my feelings very hurt. But along the way I managed to laugh, cry, make some friends and have one of the greatest times of my life. Am I a crazed thrill seeker, an attention ho or a glutton for punishment? My mom says, “A hard head makes a soft behind.” I think in life you gotta take your shot, have your moment and hope/pray for the best.

I’ve been chosen to compete for a spot on Big Brother All Stars. Please click here and vote for me. Vote long, hard and often! 😉

Country Music, Feminine Hygiene & Plagiarism or a little post I like to call Musings (which is really) Randomness… Pt. 5

April 5, 2006June 16, 2018
6 Comments

So I’m a consumer. If I can’t wear it, I wanna eat it, if I can’t eat it, I wanna… Well I won’t go there… Oh why the hell not, I wanna shtup it. That’s a nice way to put that, yes? Anyway there is a little shtupping going on but there is a whole lot more eating going on and since there is so much eating going on there is a lot of shopping going on to buy new things to cover my ass. I really shouldn’t be shopping as I’m not really working. But that in my opinion is the ultimate time to shop. Shop your proverbial back into a corner. Then you have to get a gig. But that’s the kinda behavior that leads to leaking a sex video on the net or doing Battle Of The Reality Stars or (dare I say it) an All Stars of whatever show you happened to have survived. I mean desperate times call for desperate measures. I’m not @ the limit on my credit cards yet so… Plus next weekend I’m shooting a documentary on the fashion industry. And I have a few personal shopping clients. So I’m never really unemployed. I’m working, it’s just not being filmed.

Dangerous: Cell Phones and Spoiled Women

March 31, 2006August 3, 2016
8 Comments

So anyone who reads this blog knows I worship at the throne known as Naomi Campbell. When my journey is complete and my days are done, I wanna come back as her. I don’t know why. Her hair is a weave (yes, a very good one. She has crappy taste in men: Mike Tyson, Robert DeNiro (not pre-The Godfather Rob but post-Awakenings Rob), Flavio Briatore (well he did give her a $10 million yatch and he is the father of Heidi Klum’s 1st child) and Usher (to name a few). She has anger management problems. (Who hasn’t taken a swing at the help? But I guess you’d have to have help 1st so… And had that widely publicized drug problem (but at least she sought help).

Now the positives: She’s the most recognized model in the World (so says her attorney), she’s rich as all hell, earning a reported $29 million a year (repeat after me: “DAMN!!!), she’s a multi-talented writer (Swan), and singer (Babywoman), she’s currently, rumored to be, supposedly dating the Prince of Dubai & she does charity work with Nelson Mandela.

Brokeback Vs. Crash Pt. 2

March 17, 2006June 18, 2017
6 Comments

The controversy continues. There are 2 camps: the pro-BBM* camp that say it was robbed and the Crash camp that says, “Sorry superior movie, thanks for the trophy.” There are a few others, real people who have lives, who don’t give a crap what movie wins Best Picture at the Oscars because they have lives and families to feed and…well you get the idea. Now I liked BBM. I thought it was pretty okay. I had some basic problems with it: Heath’s mumbling, Jake’s quirky, uneven performance, it being set in the 60’s through 80’s. But this movie has become so much more than a movie. What I love most about BBM is that it became an event. I love movies. The whole process. I love to know who was up for what part and who turned down which role. Like did you know that originally Sean Connery and Cathy Moriarty were up for Pretty Woman? Totally different movie. Or that Gwyneth passed on Titanic? Kate should send her roses everyday for the rest of her life. Or that The Bodyguard was originally a vehicle for Diana Ross? I love that BBM has spawned so many parodies. I love that it’s jumped the shark and it’s become part of the larger public consciousness.

That said it wasn’t the Best Picture of the Year. It just wasn’t. I don’t know that Crash was but I liked it more than BBM. The one glaring thing I miss about BBM is people call it a love story. Where is the love? Because I didn’t see it. Until it was too late. Ennis decides after Jack has been beaten to death that he’s in love. What happens if Jack had walked through that door ala Bobby on Dallas and it was all just a dream? Would Ennis and Jack had been happy? And hadn’t Jack started dating the friend in his home town? Whatever. That’s all conjecture. The movie was beautiful. It’s what one would expect from Ang Lee. The man is a genius. The Ice Storm is one of my fave movies. I mean I can even forgive him for that aberration, The Hulk. Any movie with hot ass Eric Bana in it I’m gonna see! I even saw Munich.
Speaking of which, where are all the Steven Spielberg fans and why aren’t they up in arms that Munich didn’t win? Did you know that a group of people actually raised over $24,000 and spent over $15,000 of it on an ad in Daily Variety protesting BBM’s loss? People are still dying from the ramifications of Hurricane Katrina and a group of real, live human beings spends that much money in a trade publication lamenting a movie’s Oscar loss?! That’s the outrage! Why not spend that money on Aids education? Or if you really think Hollywood is homophobic (which is the most insane thing I’ve ever heard because living here, everyone is gay) why not donate that $24,000 to GLAAD?!

BROKEBACK VS. CRASH…ENOUGH IS TOO MUCH…THE OSCARS

March 8, 2006June 18, 2017
4 Comments

Well it finally happened, the unbelievable…I am fed up with the Hollywood star system. It reached fever pitch last week. I was chosen by E! to announce the official Academy Awards gift basket. Now E! is a client for whom I love working. How Do I Look is like my fave gig. But the Holy Grail for me, the end all be all, the creme de la creme, my almost dream gig is to be an on-air correspondent for E! Not Entertainment Tonight or Extra! I want E! And when I say it, I say it like Missy Elliott in Honey: “I said I wan E! dammit!” My agent must really be tired of hearing that. Well last week it was sorta delivered to me in the most minute way. I got 4 minutes, which was cut down to 1 minute, part of which was me saying “$100,000.00 4 times.” The general consensus was I looked very handsome. And I was cute and funny. I was over the moon. My enthusiasm knew no bounds. I hope it showed. My dream gig you ask? Replacing Bob Barker on The Price Is Right! I love that show. I want that enthusiasm. When people get called to “come on down” they lose their minds! It must be the most fun job ever. Nothing bad ever happens on TPIR. I mean sometimes everyone over bids but then they get a do-over! Who doesn’t want a do-over? I competed on a game show once and good God in heaven how I wish I could have a do-over!

The thing that made me crazy was Hollywood was in a donut swirl last week. Which culminated in a lukewarm minute orgasm: the Oscar ceremony. Did you know that the term donut is slang for male models? Apparently male models are so vacuous and self-involved they can suck themselves off, creating what looks like a donut. I don’t know who made that up but when I lived in Milan that’s what people called my friends and I. Last week was a donut swirl here in L.A. People sucking themselves off all over the place. From the actresses being feted by every major designer to get them to wear their gowns, to the gift suites set up everywhere, sponsored by everything from magazines to diamonds to (strangely) an X-rated vodka marketed to women. And yes, I hit a few of the suites though the real ones wouldn’t let a piece of ex-reality trash like me anywhere near them.

The Dread…

March 1, 2006May 26, 2019
3 Comments

So as I sit here in my Sundari Rose and Lavender Hydrating Mask, reading the New York Post gossip section, I’m dreading the moment. The moment when I must take off my luxe, white bathrobe and get dressed. Normally I like getting dressed. There are basically 2 occasions when I leave my house; to have a laugh with friends or to make money. I’m always up for either but today I dread leaving. I must dress and go to the gym. Unless I’m being paid to do something, I’m the laziest fuck on the face of the Earth. Deep inside me there is a 400 lb., Howard Hughes with Kleenex boxes on his feet and Tivo, humming, bathing him in it’s warm, ever-inviting, glow. He’s surrounded by Krispy Kreme doughnuts, Famous Amos cookies and Papa John’s chicken alfredo pizza boxes. Maybe a few copies of Details, Italian Vogue and porn mags too…

I have to go to the gym. It’s pilot season. And I’ve been running all over the place working and auditioning. It never ends. I’m just another L.A. carpet-bagger, selling my wares. Plying my charms. I wonder if Ben Foster works out? Ben I love you. You make me happy. You make this world a better place just by being here. You are almost as cute as Wentworth Miller. Almost.