So I’m a consumer. If I can’t wear it, I wanna eat it, if I can’t eat it, I wanna… Well I won’t go there… Oh why the hell not, I wanna shtup it. That’s a nice way to put that, yes? Anyway there is a little shtupping going on but there is a whole lot more eating going on and since there is so much eating going on there is a lot of shopping going on to buy new things to cover my ass. I really shouldn’t be shopping as I’m not really working. But that in my opinion is the ultimate time to shop. Shop your proverbial back into a corner. Then you have to get a gig. But that’s the kinda behavior that leads to leaking a sex video on the net or doing Battle Of The Reality Stars or (dare I say it) an All Stars of whatever show you happened to have survived. I mean desperate times call for desperate measures. I’m not @ the limit on my credit cards yet so… Plus next weekend I’m shooting a documentary on the fashion industry. And I have a few personal shopping clients. So I’m never really unemployed. I’m working, it’s just not being filmed.
I am also Bowling For Angles for Project Angel Food, so go here and donate! I’m a top 10 fundraiser, which is not an excuse to not give! You can give as little as $10. Or as much as you like…
Anyway I’m sitting here downloading new music. I’m checking out Billboard’s Hot 100. Anyway I read an article on Daniel Powter. He’s kinda cute and has the #1 song on “Billboard’s Hot 100.” He’s 35 and unmarried, turned down appearing in the video to his hit song “Bad Day” with super hot Samaire Armstrong because he’s “old enough to be her father”… Yeah. You know where I’m going. Anyway, I’m always looking for potential dates so I download the song! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!!!! WHY DOES ALL THIS NEW MUSIC SOUND LIKE TV COMMERCIAL JINGLES?! “Bad Day” sounds like a commercial for Zoloft. Can’t you just see the little fat circles bouncing around to this tune? Oh and then I download James Blunt! What the hell is that? “You’re Beautiful”? Um mm… Stalker. The song promotes stalking. And I’ve been stalked! I know. And let’s not talk about his voice. He sounds like a modern Tiny Tim! And no one wants that! Which brings me to Natasha Bedingfield…
I have to be honest I like her coz she’s pretty. But that “Unwritten” song sounds like a jingle for a douche commercial. Now that is brilliant cross-marketing! “Staring at the blank page before you Open up the dirty window Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find Reaching for something in the distance So close you can almost taste it Realease your inhibitions…” It totally should be playing over a Summer’s Eve commercial. Natasha looks fresh and pretty. She could star in it. Music right now sucks.
It’s a bad British invasion. I blame “American Idol” for it. Think about it? It’s a battle of mediocrity. And this season is populated by replicants. If last season was replicant season on “Big Brother” then this is replicant season on “AI.” Follow this: Last season “BB” casts a gay, Black, personal shopper. Kinda the same (as me) but not. In “AI 5” Paris is Fantasia-lite. A cheekier, happier version but again, kinda the same but not. “BB6” Ivette was a Latina Chiara. “AI 5” Kelly Pickler is a trailer park Carrie Underwood. No seriously the similarities abound! Conspiracy theory? I think not. You know what show I’m watching and loving? “Nashville Star” The guys on the show can’t sing to save their mama’s lives but they are hotter than any guy on “AI 5”. Period. Last night Casey Rivers, my pick to win, had on jeans so tight it was like anatomy class. And I loved every moment. I voted for him 20 times. If Ace makes it any further on “AI 5” he should sing in his underwear. And they should be tightie-whities. He’d win hands down. Every gay man and straight woman in America would bankrupt themselves voting. Anyway I think this new breed of Brits and the “AI” menace are ruining popular music. I don’t know where I was going with that or if it matters but there I said it.
In other news one of my fave mags just closed. Cargo is no more. A moment of silence please. I loved “Cargo.” ‘Twas the boys “Lucky.”
And the fashion spreads were awesome. They didn’t use twinky, wussy-looking, scrawny, strung out, waify male models, they used real men. And the clothes made sense. And it wasn’t as gay as “Details.” I say gay I mean it like when a 12 year old boy and his friends say gay. Like, “Dude, that’s so gay.” Which isn’t an indictment of someones sexuality as much as it is something NOT being cool. I mean we all know that gay guys are the true arbiters of cool. With the exception of the “QEFTSG” guys. Oh and what’s the guys name on “Entertainment Tonight?” Nothing cool about that. But wait: Is it bad for me to say that about other gay guys? Do we gays need to stick together? Is it like Jewish and African Americans showing a united front? Is calling Steven Cujawhatever uncool tantamount to not liking “Brokeback Mountain?” And BTW, that whole gay riff I went on, about the usage of gay? Stole it from “Details.” Let’s not say stole it, let’s say borrowed from it ala Dan Brown being sued over “The Da Vinci Code.”
Back on point “Cargo” is closed and they are finishing my subscription with “GQ!” I know! Sucks. Blows. Bites. “GQ’ is the worst men’s mag ever. Honestly I’d rather have Maxim. At least I’d be guaranteed hot photos of Jessica Alba, who BTW is the only girl I’d jump back over the fence for. Oh my gosh! I just realized: I have a thing for Latin girls! But I digress; The only mag worse than GQ is Esquire. They are both like your dad’s fashion mags. And Esquire thinks it’s hipper than hip coz it puts Diddy and that guy from the Neptunes in it all the time. Well, it’s not.
Not that I know anything. I just like to type.