BROKEBACK VS. CRASH…ENOUGH IS TOO MUCH…THE OSCARS

Well it finally happened, the unbelievable…I am fed up with the Hollywood star system. It reached fever pitch last week. I was chosen by E! to announce the official Academy Awards gift basket. Now E! is a client for whom I love working. How Do I Look is like my fave gig. But the Holy Grail for me, the end all be all, the creme de la creme, my almost dream gig is to be an on-air correspondent for E! Not Entertainment Tonight or Extra! I want E! And when I say it, I say it like Missy Elliott in Honey: “I said I wan E! dammit!” My agent must really be tired of hearing that. Well last week it was sorta delivered to me in the most minute way. I got 4 minutes, which was cut down to 1 minute, part of which was me saying “$100,000.00 4 times.” The general consensus was I looked very handsome. And I was cute and funny. I was over the moon. My enthusiasm knew no bounds. I hope it showed. My dream gig you ask? Replacing Bob Barker on The Price Is Right! I love that show. I want that enthusiasm. When people get called to “come on down” they lose their minds! It must be the most fun job ever. Nothing bad ever happens on TPIR. I mean sometimes everyone over bids but then they get a do-over! Who doesn’t want a do-over? I competed on a game show once and good God in heaven how I wish I could have a do-over!

The thing that made me crazy was Hollywood was in a donut swirl last week. Which culminated in a lukewarm minute orgasm: the Oscar ceremony. Did you know that the term donut is slang for male models? Apparently male models are so vacuous and self-involved they can suck themselves off, creating what looks like a donut. I don’t know who made that up but when I lived in Milan that’s what people called my friends and I. Last week was a donut swirl here in L.A. People sucking themselves off all over the place. From the actresses being feted by every major designer to get them to wear their gowns, to the gift suites set up everywhere, sponsored by everything from magazines to diamonds to (strangely) an X-rated vodka marketed to women. And yes, I hit a few of the suites though the real ones wouldn’t let a piece of ex-reality trash like me anywhere near them.

Here’s the thing though; why is it that the people who have the most get the most for free? I mean really. Does Will Smith need a $100,000.00 gift basket? Does Teri Hatcher need more whatever it is she got last week? Am I just mad I didn’t get the Frette Voyage throw?

So let’s talk bad behavior. Apparently Tom Hanks (he who I adore) hates being reminded of Forrest Gump. That’s what he was swearing about when he walked out on stage @ the Oscars. Now I didn’t hear it, but I did wonder what he was saying. Was he running his lines? It’s been reported that Tom was promised they wouldn’t play the theme from FG but did anyway and he was pissed. Tom DONOTGETITTWISTED you would have been really pissed had they played the theme from Bosom Buddies and out marched Peter Scolari. Tom you are bigger than that. And a whole lot richer too… Now over on the set of Beowulf, (the goddess) Angelina Jolie is rumored to be pouting because the world now knows she is engaged to Brad Pitt. Angie, baby, everyone else in the world would be doing back flips, megaphone in hand, telling the world that Brad had a) knocked them up and b) wanted to marry them. Angelina is not coming out of her dressing room until the culprit, who leaked her engagement, apologizes. And it’s pissing off the cast and crew. Including Sir Anthony Hopkins. Not that it matters. Beowulf ain’t gonna be a blockbuster when it comes and goes upon release. Just ask any 1st year Honors English student if they wanna see the film adaptation of the most boring book they were forced to read. Ever. I’d rather see Catcher in the Rye. The porn version. It’ll be set on a beer distillery in Ireland. Kinda like Flirting With This Ass Sir. Or Bareback Mountain. Speaking of which…

Now I’ll say it…I didn’t love Brokeback Mountain. Well that is under-over-stating it. I liked it. I found it too long and a bit boring. Before the backlash against me starts, I’m a proud gay man. And I love Ang Lee. One of my favorite movies, ever, is The Ice Storm. And Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon was unreal. My main problem with Brokeback was there was no reason the movie had to be set in the ’60s moving into the ’80s. It could have been set right now and would have been even more powerful. Especially since we live in an era where Matthew Shepard was just murdered. I thought Jake Gyllenhaal’s performance was tick-y. Like a straight guy “acting” like a gay guy. The thing is any guy, straight-acting or not, could be gay. So he could have just been himself. I loved Jake in the scene where he finally tells his father-in-law off. That was brilliant. Is it just me or could anyone else not understand a word Heath said? It was like Mumbles in Dick Tracy! I wanted subtitles. He was cute though. Another problem? People are calling this a sweeping love story. Where is the love? That was a (one-sided) relationship based upon convenience. And why the hell didn’t the two of them loot the rich wife’s bank account and run the hell off to San Francisco? If you don’t like where you live, move! I went to the premiere of the movie. I spent most of the pic staring @ Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal. During one long pan of the Oklahoma terrain, I went to the bathroom and sent some text messages, bumped into Peter and Maggie smoking on the steps, only to come back to more panning of the Oklahoma terrain. (Was it Oklahoma? I can’t even remember the location of the Mountain.) Yeah the cinematography was beautiful but cut some of that and establish these 2 people love each other. I never felt that! I think Brokeback is a white gay man’s movie. It tells their story. Sorry. I’d a jumped on a Greyhound and taken my black butt to Chicago. Or L.A. Or anywhere but a place where my dad takes me to see the corpse of a gay man. Had they moved to NYC Jack Twist could have been a hot little go-go boy, dancing @ the Gaiety and Ennis could have taught line dancing or bartended @ Hogs and Heifers or a leather bar. It would have been a totally different movie. And maybe ended happily.

I have 4 fave movies last year: Memoirs of a Geisha, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Syriana and Crash. I was thrilled Crash won. It had much more of an urgency for me. It examined how people really feel. How they really talk to and about each other. It was brutal, funny, @ times ugly, and provocative. When I watched Crash I really clued into what was trying to be said. Maybe because I live in L.A. Or maybe because I deal with racism everyday. I felt Terrence Howard and Thandie Newton character’s pain. I have been stopped many times by the police for no reason. I’ve been frisked @ gunpoint. Only to be told, “We’re looking for a black guy who fits your description.” I know what it’s like to have your humanity stripped from you. I’ve cried myself to sleep because my dignity was taken. I was moved by Crash. I didn’t get that from Brokeback. I thought Michelle Williams was amazing. I thought Randy Quaid playing so against type was sooo good and I did like Heath. The movie was good. Solid. But the moment I left the theatre it left me. Now my friend Gabriel, who I saw Brokeback with, said he cried the entire way home. Believe me, I understand how important telling gay stories is. We (homosexuals) need positive visibility. People need to see that homosexuals are not deviants. That we are humans on the same journey as everyone else. Looking for love, respect and a little kindness. So I like and respect Brokeback Mountain for the movie event it became. For what it represents to us all. For a love story I liked Geisha. For snappy dialogue and 2 people I wanna see do it, I liked Mr. and Mrs. Smith. For an examination of world politics I liked Syriana. And Matt Damon was super cute in it. I also liked Good Night and Good Luck. David Strathairn was hot in that too.

So yet another Oscars passes. Keira Knightley looked amazing and so happy to be there. I still feel Phillip Seymour Hoffman should have lost more weight to play Capote. I’m seeing it this week so my opinion is subject to change. It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp. Well, I could have told you that… I was so happy that song won. Those guys were so happy to win. I was literally jumping up and down in my seat because they were so happy and speechless and thrilled. It seemed like they were just happy to be there. And I loved when they thanked Gil Cates, the producer of the Oscars. As Jon Stewart said that’s how to accept an Oscar. And that puts an end to award season 2005. I await next year. I still sit @ home and fantasize about winning an Oscar. And every audition makes the dream stronger. Halle Berry stole my speech a few years back and I’m working on my new one. I’m starting acting classes. And maybe singing lessons. A little black boy from the southside of Chicago can dream.